I'm not a religious man. I would even go to say I'm not spiritual in any way shape or form. I've never believed in a higher power, or Deity. I've always held the fact that we are biological creatures in the forefront of my mind. I have always believed that we live, reproduce, and die. A simple cycle of life. In my philosophy, I've always been open to different faiths and belief systems, but always looked at them from the perspective of someone studying, and analyzing a subject. I've never really felt like their beliefs could have any effects on mine. On my solidarity in the scientific method.
New Orleans has the tendency to make me think about myself critically and force me to reevaluate the way I live. In the past couple days, I've felt more than ever the feelings I constantly have, of not being "good enough." Never having done enough in the day to make a difference. Not being the person, I am expected by family and friends, to be. Not being the son, friend, brother or leader that I should be. These stem from a variety of different things, but in the long term really aren't that important. Wresting with these feelings led me to the decision that I needed to try and solve my lack of self worth. I'm not the kind of person who can think about my feelings, and come to a discussion. I stew. Then I stew some more. I'll probably stew some more. In the end I need something to knock me out of it.
We had had gone to a church service, at Trinity Episcopal church, on Sunday evening which was jazz based. At that event we heard about a program that was scheduled for tonight which was a labyrinth to allow a person to think introspectively about ones own thoughts. I thought this would be a perfect situation to try and solve my problem. We arrived to something we weren't quite expecting. It was designed after the labyrinth in the cathedral at Chartres. A small compact twisty path in the shape of a circle right in front of the alter of the church, ending at the center. It seemed to be the perfect situation to end my inner struggles. I could, in a sense, give myself a personal motivational "pump up," something that someone else would not be able to persuade me about. I succeeded, I believe, in getting myself out of that hump that I was in and exited the maze feeling good about myself. But when I sat back down in the pew, that I had been sitting in before, I thought it would be appropriate to pray, seeing all the people around me doing the same.
I can honestly say - even when my mother was sick and dieing of skin cancer I had never prayed before.
I didn't prey for guidance or strength. I wanted to try and have a conversation with "god," if that was possible. I wasn't really looking for answers, just trying to figure out why religion could move so many people so much. I wanted to understand why, if we were created by a higher being, we have the immense ability to be greedy and lazy. I don't know what it was about that moment that made me continue out on that limb, but it made me question. It made me question the beliefs I've always believed. The thing that unnerves me most is the fact that I have absolutely no idea why I am questioning.
A part of me is telling me to stop being ridiculous. That we have evolved from homosapians who originated from earlier primates, and before that smaller mammals. But another part is piping up and saying that maybe it wishes that there is something out there looking after us. To be honest - it feels weak to want someone looking out for me. I've always grown up with the feeling I should always be able to handle myself. But more recently I've wanted someone to be a shoulder to lean on.
I know not where I will eventually fall. Whether I will become more spirtual, or stay the way I've always been. Only time will tell.
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