If you had told me a year ago that I would be returning to New Orleans for a 4th year, I would have thought you were crazy. However, it's now clear to me that often times the universe has surprising plans for us and that these plans include ups and downs. Luckily, you're never given anything you cannot handle.
When I graduated last year I was sad, but ready to leave NOLA behind. I had been a coordinator for two years and was the only sophomore my first year. I had learned a lot and felt ready to tackle college at the University at Pennsylvania. Then I found myself home on medical leave for the spring semester and feeling completely lost and confused for the first time in my life. I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted. In fact, when Kane told me a spot had opened up on the trip and that it needed to be filled, my first reaction was to say I didn't want to return to the city that held the most magical moments of my memory. Thankfully my support system (my mom, Sam, and Kane) knew what was best for me and I was finally convinced to say yes.
From that point on I began going to meetings sporadically and helping out at fundraisers. I felt like I was a stranger in my own home and it didn't help that my position in the group wasn't fully outlined. Was I a chaperon? A participant? It felt weird seeing the new chaperons that I had watched grow complete the roles I had done myself for years. It was even weirder not knowing half of the people in the group.
The day before we left I wasn't sure how I felt about going away.I was scared to be away from my lifelines that would be staying in Massachusetts, despite the fact that my mom and sister would be with me.I was scared that I would be too weak to work. I was scared that the trip would drain me so much emotionally that I would revert back to lost confusion that I had only very recently begun to escape.
I was scared up until the moment I stepped out of the airport into the cool, humid New Orleans air. At that moment the fear became relief. I was in New Orleans, far away from all of my demons, anxieties and responsibilities. I was in New Orleans and all I had to do was try to make a small difference.
Saturday was spent installing light bulbs through Project Green Light. I rode in my mom's van and awkwardly tried to laugh alongside a group of students I barely knew. However, I felt inspired again and holding a small puppy named Ted at one of the houses made it impossible not to smile. Then on Sunday I realized I was stronger than I thought. Not only did I pick up trash, unscrew what seemed like a million screws, scraped burnt tile off of a counter, and loaded scrap metal into a truck, but I also helped to blaze a trail. And I began to make connections that put cracks in the wall I had put up against other people over the Fall semester. Later that night a jazz church service helped me to answer a few questions about the nature of my faith, which I have been trying to define for years. On Monday I had a chance to think and reflect while working on a community garden. After loading a truck with mulch I spent the rest of the day replanting irises and thinking quietly to myself. Most importantly, I was on a work site without my mom, something I had sworn that I would not do just a week earlier. As I drove away from the garden with Mr. Morgan, listening to soft New Orleans Jazz, I realized how happy I had been all day. Tuesday I was back with my mom, but not because I felt I had to be. At Second Harvest I danced and sang along with all of the other students and I finally felt fully content just existing alongside my peers. Then after lunch we went to Hoffman Triangle and were told that we had to clear an overgrown abandoned lot. It was about an hour into the job (I had been loping down trees and raking up debris) that it hit me - I felt like myself again. I had found the reset button that I had so sorely needed. This feeling continued as I attended a reflection service at the Trinity Church that night and as I worked at LaPlace clearing mold and helped out at the Community Center at Saint Bernards. Spending time laughing and singing and gossiping with the other 45 students became something I looked forward to instead of avoiding. And most importantly, I was continuously happy.
On Friday I returned to Second Harvest and Hoffman Triangle. By this time, I had found two new sisters (DJ and Sam C.) and had become closer to my biological sister and best friend. As I worked alone in swampy portion of the field we were clearing I decided that this fourth trip was the best of them all because it meant the most to me. Not only did I complete good, meaningful service, but I gone from an isolated, worried, and negative person to a happy one and my fears were replaced by a belief that everything is a blessing. I have New Orleans to thank for that and all of the people I met - from friends like Robert, to Maria at the garden, Henry/Matt/Hadas/Chris from United Saints and all of the people at the community center. I am so thankful I had this trip and proud that I faced my fears and went. Otherwise, I don't know how long it would have been before I found a reset button.
After flying back to NYC on Saturday, I spent the night at my Grandmother's in NJ. When it came time to go to bed it seemed too quiet. I missed the sirens, the sound of seven other people breathing around me, and the New Orleans air. Yet, the feeling of the Crescent City was still with me. And I have faith that it always will be.
Casey Libonate
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